PsychedAngsty

I follow them home again today.
They're always wearing a hood.
Just a hood on just a person.
No, somebody more, but what?
I follow them, they're just up ahead,
But they're always faster than me.
I just want to see their face
But they're always out of my reach.
They turn around every street I know
And suddenly, they are no more.

I give up again, walking home,
And I can hear footsteps behind me.
It's just a person, coming my way,
So I carry on, but I hear
The footsteps behind me, closer, faster,
Before I know it, I'm running.
Can't stop wondering, too curious,
And I look back, a big mistake.
There's more than one head, face, voice,
Baby, toddler, child, tween,
And a hand curls around my hair.

I make it to the door and slam it shut
Before my past can pull me back
And I slide down to the floor, wondering
If the future I stalk is always this scared.

(This poem came about after a moment of quiet contemplation, not in the wake of any recent events. This poem is not alluding to literal death in any form. All death mentioned in this poem is meant to be viewed in ironic, figurative, or hyperbolic light rather than at surface value. I am not advocating murder or suicide, and if you misunderstand this poem enough to believe such, you are in need of some serious help. I am also holding no specific grudge against anybody.)

Today, I killed my classmates
With laughter.
They were very busy laughing.
The depression that usually flies about their head
Evaporated into nothingness
The moment I told them
A funny story of satire.
I slew their depression.

Today, I killed my teachers
With laughter.
They were very busy laughing.
The fatigue that usually rests on their eyelids
Flew far away
The moment I delivered
The punchline of my joke.
I slew their fatigue.

Today, I killed my family
With laughter.
They were very busy laughing.
The pessimism that usually escapes their lips
Fell silent at last
The moment I slipped
While screaming nonsense.
I slew their pessimism.

Today I killed my friends
With laughter.
They were very busy laughing.
The boredom that drags their arms to the earth
Forced itself loose
The moment I enraptured them
With an adventurous prompt.
I slew their boredom.

Today, I killed
Myself.
Laughter pushes through my lips,
Regurgitating,
My thoughts forcing themselves through,
Yet out cascades not them,
But the calls of hyenas.
My mind flaps its wings frantically,
Still caged inside.
Blood boils and torrents through my veins,
And I struggle still to
Do something about it.
Who knew spurts of vocalization
Could build a dam so strong and eternal?
Such a pathetic spirit
Who continues to run
But the chains of laughter bind her ankles so heavy
That she has no choice.
She raises her sword against the depression of the dragons.
She shoots her arrows against the fatigue of the trolls.
She fires her cannon against the pessimism of the pirates.
She slings her spell against the boredom of the witches.
Today, I killed myself.

I'm happy.
I'm happy.
I'm happy.

I'm laughing, see?

I'm like everybody else.

But their voices sound more beautiful than mine.

I had a nightmare.

I was running.

But I couldn't tell
From whom
Or why
I was running.

I wasn't fast enough.
I wasn't strong enough.
I ran long enough
But all that time wasn't enough.

It would've been nice if there were trees.
It would've been nice if there was a breeze.
But it's a nightmare
Without luxuries,
So of course I'm running with no air to wheeze.

No wood.
No stone.
No concrete.
Barren.
Yet somehow, the shadows I run on
Aren't soft.

The corridor is endless,
And so are the other corridors
I can run into.
The possibilities are endless.

But she catches me too quickly for me to explore.

I had a nightmare.

The ground's made only of shadow
But being shoved down onto it
So quickly
Makes me feel as if my head just cracked opened,
Shattered like eggshells.
Humpty Dumpty would've been proud.

Fingers wrap around my throat.
I can't scream, so I do what I can.
Kicking, flailing, biting.
Feral.
But she is stronger than me.
She is feral
But also in control.

I awake.

My throat is burning,
My eyes aren't seeing,
I STILL FEEL I'M DYING--

I scream for help,
Silently,
Begging the air to enter my lungs again
And the woman who awakens next to me
Taken over by instinct
Understands.

In mere seconds, there is water
At my lips
But it feels as if
I'd been waiting
An eternity.

And only as I drink do I realize
I have many regrets
For the face of the woman holding the cup for me
Is the face of my killer.
Somehow, I forget to be scared.
But I don't forget to be sad.
By some twisted flaw in my mind, I assume
I have been poisoned.
I close my eyes, convinced
This is the last time I would suffer.

There is no nightmare.
I awake again.
Five hours later.

I brush my teeth,
In a rush.
I have nowhere to go, but does that matter?
I am late. I feel late.

My mother pounds at my door,
Flesh eager to strike flesh,
Frustrated by wood in the way.
"WHY'D YOU WAKE UP SO LATE?!"
I thought I wouldn't wake up at all.
Now I cannot tell
Which is the blessing
And which is the curse.
Nor can I explain the burning of my throat,
The taste of blood,
The vulgarity of words in my mouth as I command
My walking alarm clock
To shut up.

I had a nightmare.

I'd prefer the nightmare.

At least there,
I could run,
Something I can't do while I'm real.

(To those whom it may concern, yes, I actually had a nightmare like this. Don't worry, I'm fine now, and nothing really happened after I got out of the bathroom--I promise.)

Character Name: Astenos

Age: Looks 18, is 465

Species: No one’s too sure—many suspect she is some kind of banshee or siren.

Gender: Female

Appearance: Astenos is an eerie creature of admiration. She has black overgrown hair, twice as long as herself, which is quick to dry when she rises to the surface. Her bangs are so long that her eyes are concealed by them, and it’s a wonder that she can move around as though she can see perfectly fine. (In fact, she does see perfectly fine.) Though her face is a rare sight to behold, it is a thing of beauty when seen. Those who have seen either it or her power know that she has bright red irises that can glow. Her skin is very pale, almost as if she has been powdered all over with ground fine porcelain.

The attire she wears is simple: a loose long-sleeved teal robe that also dries quickly out of the water. She may occasionally emerge from the water with accessories, trying on her latest discoveries before she adds them to her ever-growing collection.

History: Some centuries ago, there was a pirate whose name left many men shuddering with fear. Vinton “One Eye” Hale was a powerful captain with men under him so cruel that to see their ship alone was the greatest terror of the seas. But even this was somehow not enough for Vinton. He made one foolish choice, the choice to form a deal with an eldritch being far beyond his comprehension. Unaware of the consequences of the bargain, he and his crewmates experienced a brief surge of superiority on the waters, gaining a vast amount of wealth.

In less than a decade, the pact made it clear that he had sealed his own fate—his flesh flaked away before the eyes of his crew, rendering him a skeleton with his garments still on. All the other men on board soon followed, and the phantom pirates saw their ashes circle at the center of their ship, whirling around a beacon of ghostly light until from there, a young lady emerged. This lady, seeing that she was not alone on the ship, at once let out a terrifying, unearthly screech that sent the undead crew fleeing on their lifeboats.

Once alone on the ship, the lady slowly steered the ship of gold, towards a gigantic cove, hidden well under a conveniently hollow mountain with a small hole in the top that grazed the sky. (This cove would later be dubbed Dream Cove.) Then, after magically preserving it with the power she was formed from, she sank the Astenos, loot and all, right where the cove waters are steepest, and claimed the name of the vessel for herself as a personal reminder of her power and her nemeses. Since then, she has stayed in the cove unless she on the hunt, whether it be for food or treasure or lore.

None of the other pirates who visit Dream Cove, initially lured by beautiful song, know of where this lady came from, for how long she has been around, or what became of the fearsome, legendary crew of Vinton “One Eye” Hale. What they do know is that when the light of the sun or the moon enters, the waters of the cove dimly shine.

Personality: Astenos only speaks under two circumstances. The first circumstance is that she feels she must answer a question directed to her that cannot be answered with simple gestures such as a nod or a hiss. The second circumstance is that she is singing.

She also regularly makes barters with the pirates that come by Dream Cove, though she is much friendlier with her bargains than the entity whose power she was born from. Her prices are reasonable, give or take some value depending on her mood. Her mentality works much like that of a merchant, which benefits her when she leaves the cove to collect treasure or tales. She gives away services and goods as long as the pirates can or are willing to return the favor. She likes to accompany them on their voyages on occasion. Her principle tends to be that repeat customers are her best friends.

Astenos is sensitive to the emotions of others. As such, there is the chance that the moods of others in the vicinity will affect how she feels. She acts on her emotions in slight ways, but she will react drastically if pushed to extremes. It is not uncommon to see her normally flat lips curl up into a smile, though hearing her giggle would mean that something has VERY greatly amused her.

While she likes her own name, she despises Vinton “One-Eye” Hale with a passion. She seeks to get rid of him and his crew some day, but she knows she is not ready for that, not yet. She may have had the element of surprise upon her birth, but she knows that since the eldritch phenomenon has claimed their souls, they will grow stronger. If she one day grows strong enough to face them, she will battle them with the intention of delivering them to the void, where nothingness awaits them. Astenos and the ocean are in full agreement that not a single one of them deserves the afterlife.

Weakness: When it comes to supernatural power, Astenos can be overwhelmed by any force more powerful than she. Powers that are considered divine or holy tend to have stronger effects against her. (This doesn’t mean she is averse to every single power of that type, but just the ones meant to attack her.)

Also, to perform certain feats, she may require certain components such as her voice or materials. Anything that limits her from using or gaining them would not bode well for her under dire circumstances.

Weapons/Abilities: She can communicate with coastal or marine animals, who sometimes bring to her useful news or messages from the waters. Astenos, being the creature she is, can breathe underwater. She is also able to endure high water pressure and extreme water temperatures without injury. Her senses work just as well underwater as it does on land, if not better. While Astenos is not one who makes too much of a fuss, her memory is much more immaculate. If a single valuable from Dream Cove, ashore or underwater, is missing, she WILL know. (So as a general rule of thumb, the pirates ought not to take anything without her permission.) There is also the power of her voice which, while charismatic and captivating on its own, can sometimes be imbued with enchantments. She can sing beautifully, and she can use her song to affect the minds of others (e.g. putting to sleep, deceiving, luring). She can also scream at horrendous levels to the point where it can shatter materials or torment the minds of others. She can also choose to hover over water if she does not feel like walking or swimming. All the aforementioned abilities are those that she can use freely.

And then there are her other powers, other powers that require consent from the ocean. The ocean is both Astenos’s master and servant. Much of Astenos’s power relies on the presence of water, though it is not a necessity. Any power that does not naturally belong to her, she can only do with confirmation from that which both lords over her and she lords over. Abilities such as manipulating elements and whatnot are things that she cannot do if the ocean does not wish it, for whatever reason. The favor she asks the most of the ocean, and the one it gladly gives, is glimpses of what the future holds. Future is always a fickle thing, and the ocean makes no promises. This, Astenos understands and tells the pirates who bargain with her so that she may pass her knowledge to them. Despite anything that can or will come being uncertain, she is a skilled interpreter, and offers suggestions of her own frequently, though she is not always a hundred percent correct—and she admits to this freely, as usual. (By the way, it's worth noting she can only ask permission of the ocean if any of her five sense can detect seawater.)

Astenos also has the much more mundane ability of cooking (beverages count). Give her something to stew or brew, and the results will often be excellent. She's taken up doing this because she realizes this brings in more customers.

Other: Astenos has been nicknamed "sea witch” by those who do not know her name. Those who do know it do not know of its origins--no one alive now knows the name of the ship of Vinton Hale.

Requested Class in Chatroom: FortuneTellers

Got tagged by , so let's do this!

Rules:
1. You have to post all rules.
2. Each person has to share 13 things about themselves.
3. Answer all 13 questions asked and invent 13 questions the people you tag will have to answer.
4. Tag 13 people if you can.
5. Tag backs are allowed.
6. YOU MUST MAKE A JOURNAL ENTRY.

My Questions:
1. How did you come to find out about Deviant Art? I'd found about this after an error that had caused Fanfiction.net to shut down or be on maintenance (I forget which one it was) temporarily, so I frantically searched for other means. Then I came across here.
2. What is your earliest childhood memory? Okay, this is an embarrassing story, buckle up. There was this trip to Saipan my family took when I was three. (I was aware that we were in Saipan and that I was three, by the way.) While I don't remember most of it, I do remember one of the nights we spent there. So we were in the room and sleeping, and I was snuggling next to my mom, but I felt super uncomfortable. So I rolled off to the side, and ended up falling off the bed on my face. Most of me was fine, but my lips got busted pretty badly from it (I mean, the floor was made of marble, people). So I started crying and my parents woke up and my mom immediately took me to the bathroom and started washing the blood off my lips. Now, here's the thing. I remember what it felt like, and it felt like I had triangular teeth instead of lips now. So while I was wailing and my mom was washing my mouth I kept asking my parents if I was transforming into a dragon now. Man, I was stupid.
3. What do you like to learn about? ((Scientific stuffs, the ancient world of history, cars, sports, bugs, the stars above our heads, etc (you get the idea)) I like to learn about the world before now and the worlds that others have created.
4. Do you want to travel the world, and if so, where is the first place you'd go and why? I'd love to! But I don't know where to start… Probably Switzerland, though, it was so beautiful!
5. What are your other hobbies outside of being an artist? Let's see… if by art, you are including writing, then I suppose my other hobbies would be voice acting and singing.
6.  What were some of the strangest things you ate as a child? (Crayons, glue, pennies, dirt, etc.) According to my parents, I 
7. What is the longest you have gone without sleep? Five nights in a row. No, seriously. And I was not working the graveyard shift in a security office in a demented family diner.
8. Describe something that has happened to you that has had no explanation. (Things that disappear or reappear later, losing time, etc) I remember "predicting the future" multiple times. It still happens sometimes, and it's just really uncanny.
9.  Given the power to change the world, what is the first thing you would change about it? That's a very tough question… take nonconsensual sex out of the picture, I suppose.
10. What are your aspirations? Being an anime or cartoon director AND screenwriter, while maybe helping out with game design on the side. If we're talking about a larger range of aspirations, then I'd like to travel through stories with my friends and have all of us live forever at this age (I know, that last one is really selfish.)
11. How would you describe true love? True love is when all those involved will stick together no matter what.
12. Is there a certain skill that you would like to learn? The skill of treating myself kindly. I really can't do it.
13. If you had to describe yourself in 3 words, what would they be? Loyal, ambitious, temperamental.

Time to Tag 13 People!


All Those Tagged, Answer These Questions!
1. How did you start being an "artist", however you would define that?
2. Remember when we first met?
3. What is/are the piece(s) you are proudest of on DA?
4. Define home. No, don't use a dictionary.
5. What is/are your favorite song(s) or soundtrack(s)?
6. Do you have any favorite YouTubers? Name them!
7. Favorite game(s)?
8. Do you have any hobbies that don't involve creative endeavors?
9. In your eyes, what criteria must a good friend fulfill?
10. What inspires your creative endeavors the most?
11. Tell me what you like about me and/or what you dislike about me. I only ask because I really want to improve myself as a person. You don't have to answer this question.
12. Describe life in one noun or adjective.
13. When was the last time you felt over-the-top happy? Tell me about it!